I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
