Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
