I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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