Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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