i was born a porn star she said
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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