Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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