there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
