Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
