now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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