I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
