When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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