His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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