im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
