dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
