If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
