that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
