Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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