So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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