What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't tell me you're on acid again
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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