Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
