i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
