if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
