stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Found your dick twin last night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
