the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
