you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
