So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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