I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
