My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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