my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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