Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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