I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
