they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
