Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
