Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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