Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
