You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
