God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
