someone threw a dead crab at me
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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