Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
