I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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