He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
