I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize