I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
