Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
