Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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