Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
