i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
