I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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