forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i will never coherently bang her
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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