i just made my gag reflex go away.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
