i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
