How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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