you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize