He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
