i love accidental penises.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
