Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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