You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
