3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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