That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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